Snippets of a life

Snippets of a life

addition to book 2/2, travelling, Berlin

I was late.
Fourteen days.
Did I have some foreboding?

I was happy.
I liked dancing, laughing, dreaming.
I loved making up stories.
Retreating into myself to have an adventure.

I was the kid who imagined her bike was the finest horse in the world.
I was the kid who had no idea she was alone.
I loved to laugh.
I loved to love.

The adults I grew up with
The people I grew up with
They were children
They seemed like children to me.
I had to be strong and clever
Because someone had to be.

I remember a teacher
in fifth grade.
I think we all loved him.
I remember how well I did in the first half of the year.
Maths, Russian — all As
And then the message came.
On Friday at five you can leave East Berlin.
It was Tuesday.
The next morning, I ran all the way to school — overjoyed.
My teacher was on duty during the break.
I ran to him and beamed: We’re going to the West!
And for once his face was stony.
His words without emotion: I know.
I was taken aback.
But at least I would be going to the West.

The West.
Today, I wish I hadn’t gone.

Life had already left me with scars
And I had inflicted some myself.
But the West
It was
There were some years where I lived in four worlds at once.
Looking back, I have no idea how I survived.

Religion played a devastating part in all of that.
And if I’d still pray
I’d pray that no child be molested with ideologies of any kind.

When I broke with religion
I was already in my twenties
I nearly lost my life
I lost a life
but I became alive
and yet
and yet.

© by Charlie Alice Raya

Sorry, I don’t even remember what I told you about my religious past. Sometimes, I still get angry about how much these teachers stole from me.

And crippled me, Alice added to herself. And I still only understand the half of it.
Not that they were the only ones who caused harm. Not that she hadn’t caused harm herself.
Alice looked at her injured hand.
The scars on her hand were healing fine.
Couldn’t the others too?

She wanted to heal.
She just didn’t know how to.

But maybe the town experiment could help her to find out.

book 2/2, travelling, Berlin

see also: The lonely to God, Hermann Hesse